I'm in the USA a charged felon of CM 1st degree & Possession of depictions of minor engaged in sexually explicit conduct. I'm not proud of who, or what I've become. Suicide is such an easy solution.

My first charge I was sentenced to a diverted sentence and had to do 3 years SSOSA (Special Sex Offender Sentencing Alternative ) with 5 years probation. They thought I was succeeding in the program, finished it and was taken off supervision almost a year early.

I fooled them. But never myself... I continued to view CP through most all of the program. I passed polygraphs and kept a job, a wife, family, friends and kids... I thought that I had it all. My wife and I (with the support of the bank) owned our own home. I had a recreational vehicle (a VERY built Jeep Wrangler), a beautiful daily driver and just prior to my incarceration for my second offense, I purchased a motorhome. I had masked my deviate life or so I thought.

My wife and family thought that my first offense was behind us. I made a stupid mistake, it was instantaneously stopped mere seconds after it started, it did not involve my own children, but it was enough. I was and still am very apologetic to the victim and my family & friends. But it wasn't behind us.

My second offense was more or less a continuation of my first. Actually, if I had been caught earlier viewing CP, I probably wouldn't have committed the CM. But, coulda woulda shoulda... I was viewing CP, got wayy to curious and sought out to explore my inner demons. And to repeat, I truly regretted it the moment I did it.

But was the first offense scary enough for me to change my ways? Obviously not. I continued to view almost begging to be caught, to forcibly get the help that I needed. Help or suicide... I collected many pics and vids. Collected was what it was... Like playing cards. Searching for more, different and new. In searching for different, I searched for someone to share in my pleasures. Answered an ad on Craigslist and basically entrapped myself. The police, the Sheriff and ICE came in, guns drawn and confiscated all electronic equipment in the home. Laptops, PC's, digital cameras and memory cards. Much like the first offense, this too did not involve my own children. Only internet kids, so after my sentence, aside from my own laptop, everything was returned to the home.

Two years of waiting... Two years of the "Swords of Damocles" hanging over my head. My life ending that June morning. Should I have committed suicide then? Maybe I should have... I didn't really have a lot to live for.

After the raid, the kids went off to school (how they did that, I couldn't imagine), and my wife left for school. I stayed home from work that day and contemplated the easiest way. My wife came home early from her school, prior to the kids coming home because, in her words, "I didn't want the kids coming home and seeing me dead on the couch".

Due to my external 'exercises', I was a failure in bed. I ended up sleeping on the couch. After the raid, the couch became my semi-permanent bed. I say semi-permanent because it was just a matter of time that I will be resting my head elsewhere. I lived a roommate situation with my wife, just waiting to be taken away. After a year and a half (slightly more) I wondered what was going on. I knew I wasn't forgotten about. They still had all the electronics... Someone was working on my case. Finally the warrant for my arrest came. I said goodbye to my wife, and my kids hugged me goodbye, not really understanding the implications that were about to unfold.

I was taken away June 10th, 2012. I was able to talk to my kids on the phone from the county jail since I wasn't convicted of anything yet. My wife sold almost everything of mine. The car, motorhome and a trailer. The Jeep was elsewhere but it was agreed upon earlier that it will stay mine.

December 21st, 2012 was the day that the Maya calendar predicted it would be the end of the world....

[ Continued ]

I am a 19 year old girl and I have this male character about my age in my head, he has a name and characteristics and personality and everything already thought out for him. He's not alone, he has a bunch of friends...also in my head. I switch mainly between him and me, his friends are all just there for some reason.

When I was in middle school I was bullied and alone so I started "creating friends" to entertain me during lunches...now, everytime I find myself feeling lonely, they're automatically there. Sometimes they're there when I'm hanging out with other (real) people but that doesn't happen too often.

I started out thinking I have DID but now I'm confused, I can tell him to leave and he will but then he comes back again. It's mostly him talking to me and giving me advice and helping me but sometimes I actually become him and I end up just sitting on my sofa, staring at the wall, or walking around my room living in this imaginary world in my head. Sometimes I end up making faces or using body language without realizing that I am. Sometimes when something happens to me (when I am him) that saddens "him", I physically cry. Or I can feel pain (I don't know how to explain that).

I often find myself isolating myself from friends and family just to be him in that world.

I'm just wondering if anyone else experiences this? What is this? I can't seem to put a word on it. Also, I have no idea why I'm suddenly identifying with a male...

I haven't seen any posts similar to this so if someone experiences this I would be really glad if they could share cause I am so confused all the time.



- Penny

Hello! I'm a 19- year old female and I can't seem to say no to sex. I don't feel the urge to constantly have sex but if a guy asks me to have sex I will always say yes. I beat myself up for this so much and I'm not sure if it is a sexual addiction and I don't know how to treat it.
Please comment you opinions!

I've been struggling with immense emotional pain for the past couple weeks (should say months actually, but the past few weeks have been hell) because of this certain person mostly, but also because of friends and family. I want to find my own way and I want to be genuinely happy again. I try every day but it just somehow does not work. My goal is to let it go and be happy. Since I haven't told anyone of what happened because I can't, I've decided that I do need to let it out somewhere where no one knows me but I'll still have people reading this. It makes me feel a little better, or at least the thought of it does. I really, really, really want to be happy.

Hi everyone. I'm new to this forum and am here to discuss things related to bipolar disorder, insomnia and perhaps a bit of alcoholism (still in denial I guess). Here's my first blog post:

So today's been a wonderful day but yesterday was a whole different deal. I was outside with friends for quite a long time in the evening on Sunday so I thought hey, no need for a sleeping pill, I'll fall asleep in seconds. I currently use Temazepam and it works for me. Haven't even worked up a tolerance during the two weeks I've been taking them which is a bit curious... Last time I stopped taking them after getting tolerant at 10mg.

I realized after a while that I'm not going to fall sleep, so perhaps some tea will help. Nope. It was also too late to take a sleeping pill when I realized that I'm actually feeling a bit hyper. I didn't want to spend the rest of the day in bed so that's why I said no to the pill. On the bright side I started working on my thesis which I've been unable to do the entire summer. And I felt really determined about what to do next and so on which has been a total mystery to me up until now.

At around 6AM I was mentally and physically exhausted but I couldn't even nap. At 7AM I was hyper again. I joined this site and started posting immediately. Afterwards I felt so ashamed of what I wrote in my excited state but I suppose there's no need for that here. I had time to watch different anime series... Wrote a table on the Pokemon I've caught... Smoked around 15 cigarettes in couple of hours... Cleaned the kitchen... At around 12AM I started to feel really spooky and felt something kind of snap in my head and called my dad. I can't remember the phone call but I knew that if I don't get out and calm down, I'm going to snap.

After pacing around my dad's house and ranting helplessly for a while, I started to calm down because of the mood of the company (I think my dad was being a bit grumpy at his girlfriend). I spent the entire day helping my dad out with sorting out his tools, which was so tiring and boring that I couldn't help calming down even further. So my plan to chill out worked out in the end. I only got to sleep at midnight since I also decided to visit my brother. This time I took Temazepam and thanks to that today has been a good day. I've kept myself extremely busy so perhaps I should take it easy tomorrow.

I visited a friend of mine and I feel so relaxed talking about bipolar with her because she is genuinely interested in what's going on in my head and what's causing it. I feel quite fortunate for having a friend like that. I also worked up the courage to speak to my fiance. He hasn't been that supportive recently and I told him that. I can't spend the rest of my life calling my dad in the middle of the night when I'm in distress instead of just waking my fiance sleeping next to me. And I also stated that I know that he means well, but supplements won't cure me or help me much if I'm about to go crazy. I think it was a great conversation and we're somewhat on the same level now. I was seriously worried already. Because if he's only there for me when I'm good and stable and disappears when I'm at my lowest I don't know how long I'd stand that kind of a relationship.

It's getting late so time to have a date with my dear Temazepam and have a good night's sleep.